Intro
Amir: You're Jake and Amir. No wait. You're watching and Amir- Wou're yatching Jake and- No-Jake: You gotta learn how to speak, man.
Main
[Begin with a shot of Jake and Amir sitting at their desks. They are sharing a laugh and seem to have been getting along.]
Jake: You know, I don't think I've ever seen you being so normal. Can I ask you something?
Amir: [Laughing dies down] Yeah sure, just hold on a second.
[A shot of Amir from Jake's point of view. You can hear a zip and then the sound of Amir peeing into a pot under his desk as his face expresses relief. There is a lengthy pause as the shot alternates between Jake and Amir.]
Jake: (Trying to believe what is happening.) ....That better not be a chamber pot..
Amir: Uh, not a question. [Laughs] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to call you out on that one. It's just too good to pass up. [Attempts to give a high five.]
Jake: (in a low voice) Don't you dare touch me.
Amir: Alright then, air-five!
[Amir thrusts his arm forward to give and air-five. You can hear the stream change timbre as it gets on the carpet/floor.]
Jake: Listen to me: You can't be doing this in the office. Stop right now.
Amir: I can't just stop it right now man. There's not exactly any kind of shut off valve.
Jake: Just squeeze it.
Amir: I can't do that either. Do you want it to burst? I'm running at about 200 PSI right now, man, and if I just tried to clamp it shut...[makes an explosion noise]
Jake: I don't care. Just clamp it and then run to the bathroom. It's literally fifteen feet away. We're right next to it.
Amir: Exactly!
Jake: ..What?
Amir: Since we're so close, we're practically in the bathroom, so people shouldn't mind if I just pee right here because it's in the general area of the bathroom.
Jake: That doesn't count. People can smell it out here now, and -ugh- it smells like pure chicken McNuggets. You've gotta fix your diet, man.
Amir: What defines a "bathroom" anyway if not the possession of toilets? [He holds up the pot to emphasize his point, getting more pee on the floor.]
Jake: This is not the time to get philosophical. Get to the bathroom now.
Amir: Hold on. It's almost over.
[A shot of them both waiting. There is a long silence. The pee doesn't stop.]
Jake: How is this still happening?
Amir: Alright, you want to know my secret?
Jake: No, please don't tell me. I still might be able to force myself to forget this ev- [Amir cuts him off.]
Amir: Every night before I go to bed, I just start taking as many shots as I can before I pass out for the night. I mean shots of apple juice, tea, asparagus, coffee, alcohol - [Jake interrupts.]
Jake: So basically everything that makes you have to pee a lot.
Amir: Yeah pretty much anything I can get my hands on. Then I just save it up little by little over the course of about a month or so.
Jake: You don't pee for a month?
Amir: "Or so" I said!..And no, I still pee every day.
Jake: (Looking utterly lost.) What are you saying? Do you even know what "every day" means?
Amir: ..Isn't it when you become int- [Jake cuts him off.]
Jake: So obviously not. How can you hold it that long?
Amir: I didn't say I hold it. I said I save it little by little.
Jake: I'm so confused right now.
Amir: Let me finish then! Okay so every day I wake up and I really have to pee.
Jake: Understandably.
Amir: But I'm also usually like seven hours late for work as well.
Jake: [Nods. Confused]
Amir: Oh, look. It stopped. [The peeing has subsided.] Anyway, I don't have enough time to go to the bathroom, so I just pee in this at my house.
Jake: So why bring the chamber pot here to work?
Amir: I'm not talking about the chamber pot, I'm talking about this! [He holds up a balloon.]
[Jake recoils. He takes another look and recoils again.]
Jake: You pee in a balloon?! You're a freak...Why do you pee in a balloon?!
Amir: So I don't have to walk all the way to the bathroom.
Jake: Then why even have the chamber pot?!
Amir: So I don't have to walk all the way to the bathroom to empty the balloon! I swear, sometimes it's like you don't even think things through!
Amir: Alright then, air-five!
[Amir thrusts his arm forward to give and air-five. You can hear the stream change timbre as it gets on the carpet/floor.]
Jake: Listen to me: You can't be doing this in the office. Stop right now.
Amir: I can't just stop it right now man. There's not exactly any kind of shut off valve.
Jake: Just squeeze it.
Amir: I can't do that either. Do you want it to burst? I'm running at about 200 PSI right now, man, and if I just tried to clamp it shut...[makes an explosion noise]
Jake: I don't care. Just clamp it and then run to the bathroom. It's literally fifteen feet away. We're right next to it.
Amir: Exactly!
Jake: ..What?
Amir: Since we're so close, we're practically in the bathroom, so people shouldn't mind if I just pee right here because it's in the general area of the bathroom.
Jake: That doesn't count. People can smell it out here now, and -ugh- it smells like pure chicken McNuggets. You've gotta fix your diet, man.
Amir: What defines a "bathroom" anyway if not the possession of toilets? [He holds up the pot to emphasize his point, getting more pee on the floor.]
Jake: This is not the time to get philosophical. Get to the bathroom now.
Amir: Hold on. It's almost over.
[A shot of them both waiting. There is a long silence. The pee doesn't stop.]
Jake: How is this still happening?
Amir: Alright, you want to know my secret?
Jake: No, please don't tell me. I still might be able to force myself to forget this ev- [Amir cuts him off.]
Amir: Every night before I go to bed, I just start taking as many shots as I can before I pass out for the night. I mean shots of apple juice, tea, asparagus, coffee, alcohol - [Jake interrupts.]
Jake: So basically everything that makes you have to pee a lot.
Amir: Yeah pretty much anything I can get my hands on. Then I just save it up little by little over the course of about a month or so.
Jake: You don't pee for a month?
Amir: "Or so" I said!..And no, I still pee every day.
Jake: (Looking utterly lost.) What are you saying? Do you even know what "every day" means?
Amir: ..Isn't it when you become int- [Jake cuts him off.]
Jake: So obviously not. How can you hold it that long?
Amir: I didn't say I hold it. I said I save it little by little.
Jake: I'm so confused right now.
Amir: Let me finish then! Okay so every day I wake up and I really have to pee.
Jake: Understandably.
Amir: But I'm also usually like seven hours late for work as well.
Jake: [Nods. Confused]
Amir: Oh, look. It stopped. [The peeing has subsided.] Anyway, I don't have enough time to go to the bathroom, so I just pee in this at my house.
Jake: So why bring the chamber pot here to work?
Amir: I'm not talking about the chamber pot, I'm talking about this! [He holds up a balloon.]
[Jake recoils. He takes another look and recoils again.]
Jake: You pee in a balloon?! You're a freak...Why do you pee in a balloon?!
Amir: So I don't have to walk all the way to the bathroom.
Jake: Then why even have the chamber pot?!
Amir: So I don't have to walk all the way to the bathroom to empty the balloon! I swear, sometimes it's like you don't even think things through!
End Credit
After End Credit
Jake: ..Do I smell shit?
Amir: I don't know jack-squat about this wack tot putting his crack rot in this crock pot.
Jake: Wait..is it a crock pot or a chamber pot?
Amir: ....
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