Haikus: Vol. 6

Laying in my bed
Contemplating my life now
It needs more hookers

A pet bird named Bird
My family's creative
A pet cat named Cat

At church, people scream
The priest faints and children cry
Next time I'll wear pants

Mom says go outside 
I do; SPLAT- hit by a truck
Mother doesn't care

I'm The Ice Cream Man
I'm wanted in seven states
I stole twenty kids

I said "walk it off"
The boy looked at me, so sad
He didn't have legs

If I got TB
I'd cough on everyone
That'd show them who's boss

I said "Go ask Mom"
Brother looked at me sadly
We are both orphans


Blind man walks by fish
He takes a deep sniff and says,
"Good morning, ladies"

A Difference in Perspective

Next time you hear a song that has the words "memory" or "memories," replace them with "mammary" and "mammaries."

Some people say it ruins the songs, I think it makes them better. Turn Fallout Boys "Thanks for the Memories" into "Thanks for the Mammaries," and it's almost tolerable.

Don't Mess With a Legend

The Legend of the “GG”

People have begun to sit up and take notice that Winder-Barrow High School has an unusual spelling of their school mascot. It is no spelling mistake. And, yes, people from Winder do know how to spell. There is a meaning behind the two G's in the Winder-Barrow Bulldogg!

In 1985, the student body voted to add the extra "g" to the Winder-Barrow Bulldogg mascot. The extra "g" stands for "Extra Effort." The Winder-Barrow "Doggs" are not your average dogs; therefore, the name is not an average name.

The New World Webster Dictionary describes a bulldog as a "short-haired square-jawed heavily built dog...stubborn..." A Barrow County "Bulldogg," however, is a different breed of animal. It is better described as a "creature that lives west of the Mulberry River and east-northeast of the Apalachee River in the Lower Piedmont Regions of North Georgia, peculiar only to that area known as Barrow County. While it resembles the bulldog in spirit and stubbornness, the similarities there stop."

The B-U-L-L-D-O-G-G has a tendency to roam in a pack. It loves a challenge and should never be backed against the wall from where, legend has it, the DOGG gets its strength and courage. Another local legend says that it was created from a mythological wall that provided inner strength to those it created. The PRIDE within a BULLDOGG is like no other.

In many cases, a dog's bark is worse than its bite. Not so with the BULLDOGG, whose bite is considered to be far more dangerous than its bark! Don't mess with a legend.

*A Clarification:

I did not make this up. I took it from the school's page to help spread the Legend to the world. Don't mess with it.

A Very Hypothetical Situation

They say that to remove warts, you should put super glue on top of them. This apparently suffocates the warts until they fall off your body. I'm still not sure that this is exactly what's going on, but something similar is probably going on. It is a common wart removing technique that has worked for people I know in real life.

Let's say, hypothetically, that a person was tired of having multiple warts. I'll go ahead and say it's two warts, and since we're being totally hypothetical, I'll say it's also on fingers of opposite hands.

Wouldn't it be faster and easier to just super glue the two warts together, wait until it dries, and then rip your -fingers apart? I'm going to stream of conscience the worst possible outcome that pops into my mind.

In the worst-case scenario, only one wart gets ripped off and is now fused to the other in some sort of megawart that has already been proven to be half-indestructible. Knowing that not even the adhesion of super glue can tear the wart from your finger, there are two options left.
1) Amputate and hope that the wart doesn't grow appendages.
2) Cover your finger with a huge and unwieldy band-aid for the rest of your life or until you don't care anymore.

Both options have negative outcomes themselves. The first one is pretty obvious; you'd get blood all over your carpet if you amputate right then and there. As for the second one, just imagine the endless possibilities of bad times for the band-aid to fall off. It could be on a first date, or at church. The priest would likely try to exorcise you on the spot. You'd eventually have no friends because everyone would know you as the kid with the wart body, even if it's just one (..kind of) wart. Your life would crumble apart as even your family drifts away from you. Having nothing and no one in your life, you are driven to the woods. You howl at the moon. No one feels sadness from your departure, only relief.

So, hypothetically, if any one out there was thinking about getting rid of your warts that way, I think that should be enough warning not to do it. The risk is just too high if you super glue your warts together.