A Reflection and Apology to a Pretty Girl

I didn't realize you were walking in front of me; I was just walking by myself and listening to my ipod while looking at nothing in particular. We had just walked into the dorm and were heading toward the entrance to the actual dorm rooms. That door is always such a hassle because you can't just open it like a regular door, you have to input your 810 and scan your hand first. And those five or six seconds seem like the biggest inconvenience of the decade at that moment.

It's disappointing that it all happened in a moment, and that that moment will stick with me for the rest of the day, and probably tomorrow, and the next day. It was actually such a bad impression that it will stick with me until I can get another chance to leave a better impression on you (never). But maybe if I can just give you the story from my side, you'll be able to see past all of this.

As I said, I didn't notice that you were in front of me, and in my defense, you were pretty far ahead of me. But since you were ahead of me, it was your turn to input your 810 number and scan your hand to let us in to the dorm room area. You did it very well, and what stuck out to me is the fact that you waited while holding the door, letting in people that were behind you. It was very kind of you, but that is where the problem started.

You see, holding the door is a nice thing to do for others, but it opens the door for other problems. These problems include, but are not limited to:

- making other people speak (like saying "Thank you")
- accidentally letting a rapist/murderer in
- uncomfortable timing and guessing of how long you should be expected to hold the door to let other people in.

This time, by holding the door, you initiated problems one and three. Maybe number two, but I don't know the other people you held the door for.

I was a very unfortunate distance away from the door when you made your last check to see if anybody was left. It was only a distance of about ten steps, but it was right in between being too close to let the door shut and too far to hold the door. But, because you're so nice, you decided to hold the door- and I was appreciative. I also realized that the seed for problem number three had been planted, and it was up to me to try to fix it. So, in an effort to resolve the upcoming issue, I picked up my pace of walking. I went from "sad cow with sore legs" speed to "mother speed-walking excitedly through a store" speed. I thought this was an adequate speed, and I think you agreed; problem number three was averted.

But, because social norms hate me, averting crisis number three led to an exaggerated problem number one and probably a misunderstanding between us.

As I gaited towards you, I decided that I was going to give you the most sincere "thank you" I've ever given. I recognized the time you were sacrificing for me and the others, and that the others rudely neglected to give even a simple "thanks" (which I think is a behavior that correlates to rapists/murderers, so you might have introduced problem number two to our dorm as well). You deserved a fat, sopping "thank you" that was just oozing with humanity and seeping at the pores with sincerity. For this "thank you," I wanted each syllable to be dripping with gooey gratefulness, and I wanted the message "I have been where you are now; I know your sacrifice and thank you for it" to stick to you like a pulpy residue. Wet.

But sometimes when I talk, bad things happen. This was one of those times.

There are a couple reasons why making a person talk (as in saying "thank you") is a problem. First, some people stutter, which is probably embarrassing. Or maybe the person hasn't spoken in a while and their voice is rough. Perhaps they're sick and can barely speak, or they're just in a really bad mood. For me, the reason talking is a problem is because of the hyper-active mucus glands in my throat. These babies are constantly just pumping out pint after pint of that gooey goodness, and it fills my throat fairly quickly. So, when I haven't spoken for a while, it takes some time for me to clear the phlegm off of my vocal chords. Unfortunately, this isn't something I can just say out loud in public, so people sometimes don't understand what's happening.

As I go to deliver the defining "Thank you" of a generation, I was already planning to bask in the glory afterwards. My throat, however, had different plans. The golden "Thank you" that was going to come out so smoothly and majestically accidentally came out as "Thawkghuuugsss" as the surplus of mucus bubbled up in my throat. And that is how I became the first person on the planet to experience that awkward moment when you try to speak to a stranger, but it comes off as bad parseltongue impression.

That's literally what it sounded like, and I'm very sorry for it. It wasn't very loud, and the only prominent part of the abomination was the "ssss" at the end because that's one of the only sounds that doesn't require vocal chords. It sounded like a snake trying to hack up a hairball. Again, I'm so sorry for that.

This is what led to our misunderstanding, too, because I was sent into a brief panic after I heard what had just come out of my own body. There was a mucus-slug inside of my throat, and I needed to get it out before I could speak again. So I cleared my throat loudly, hoping that it would somehow convince you that I wasn't necessarily part-snake. Another attempt was made at saying the coveted "Thank you," but with my confidence shattered, it came out only a little louder than a whisper. And I'm afraid it might have sounded out-of-breath because it was so soft and airy. But let me be clear; even though I did what amounted to a merry trot for about ten steps, I was not out of breath. You have to believe me on that. My pride is at stake here, and I need you to know that a springy power-walk doesn't tire me out after only ten steps.

So I apologize, Pretty Girl, because you didn't deserve to be put through that. I didn't deserve to suffer through that either. This was just an unfortunate moment where all parties involved ended up worse off than before. Hopefully we can both forget about this event and put it behind us. I really am sorry.