I'm going to reveal something that some people might find weird, and in an attempt to keep this post going, I will just state it, pretend that it's not as odd as it sounds, and move on with my point. And I'll promise to try to use less commas per sentence while doing so.
I take showers in the dark. I like to close the doors, turn off the lights, place my towel by the door to block extra light from coming in, sit down, and relax as the steady, hot water falls on my body, calming me. I also like to break promises concerning commas, and I don't feel bad about it because, thanks to the AP Stylebook rules, commas aren't used frequently enough.
Anyway, it's very relaxing and you should try it before dismissing it. It's a little like sensory-deprivation, but mostly just for your sight. And to specify, I don't do this for every shower. I only do it when I know I have a lot of free time to just relax and think. Also, that's all that goes on in there; I know what you're thinking. No funny business. Remember kids- if you do something you're not supposed to do in the shower, the drain will get clogged. The water will build up, and you'll probably drown as a result, so please be smart..and clean.
It was during one of these showers, though, that I realized something that I had never thought about before. It was about the difference between recognition and creation and how that relates to me in my future career of being an musician.
If you close your eyes right now, you probably won't see pitch black. Right now I'm closing my eyes and I see some black, but it's spotted with green and red dots with a purple box where the computer screen was. (I'm also showing off my typing skills a little bit...ladies.) But when you've been in a dark shower for a little bit, these colors go away and are eventually replaced with nothing but black. You lose all depth perception because your eyes are just met with a black wall. At my house, I can get it to the point where there's no difference between having my eyes open and covering my eyes with my hands. When I finally got to this point, I began thinking about how the colors remain in your vision after you close your eyes. I noticed that I was seeing nothing but blackness and tried to recreate color in my mind. At first I thought "Red." followed by "Yeah, I know what that is.It's a color, like the one on a tomato." I was almost satisfied by this. But I actually wanted to see the color, to prove to myself that I actually knew what "Red" was.
So I'm sitting there, and I have a black canvas to paint my colors on. But the catch was that my eyes had to be open. If they were closed, it would feel like just my imagination; I wanted it to be real. I would only be convinced if the "Red" made the transition from my brain to the real world.
The first few moments were filled with me trying to focus on "Red." It was not the most successful focusing; a common trend for me is to have ineffective focusing techniques when I am working to do something. It went a little bit like this:
"Ok. Clear your mind. Even of this voice. Right....Now.....Ok, now just try to imagine something red. Red. Red Red. Focus. Cmon, focus. Red. (In a slightly different voice): I can't clear my mind if I'm thinking..so stop...now..*accidentally forgets to breathe, but it clears my head for a couple seconds*...hey there we go! you got it! now do it again but think of the color red...go...now..*forgets to breathe again*..ok good, now just breathe this time..*becomes very conscious of breathing* in...out..in..goddamnit..stop thinking..Red..Red.." and so on..
That turns out to be how I end up trying to focus while knowing that I need to focus and am actively trying to make myself do so. I'm not focusing on the right thing- I'm just focusing on focusing. And I do a really good job at that. So good, in fact, that I forget about what I'm supposed to be focusing on. It doesn't happen all the time, just at the worst times. During scary things like auditions. Or performing. Or even trying to talk to people I don't know very well. Things I need to be able to do easily if I want to be good in life.
It's something I've been aware of, but not something I knew how to fix. But I think I do know how now. After a while of trying to focus on something other than focusing on something, I was able to see a dot of red. Not the "Red" I had been thinking about for the past couple of minutes, but a real, live color, standing out on the black landscape. And then I was able to expand that dot and make it a bigger red. And then I was able to make it a blue. And then a purple. I was finally over the frustrating meta-focusing hurdle. I was able to project what was in my mind into my real world- all from a shift in my focus.
And that's the key for me to become a musician. For those couple of minutes, I was able to go from recognizing "Red" as in "Oh yeah, red. Like on a tomato.." to creating red. A simple shift in focus allowed me to be a creator, not a viewer. And if it can work for colors and vision, why not music and hearing?
Just like I was able to think "Red" and create red with my vision, maybe I will be able to hear music and create the same music as I hear in my head. It's often said that being able to hear in your head what you're going to be playing out loud is the key to making music, but it's not often said that to be able to do that, you have to stop focusing on focusing and let yourself be enveloped by the music.
I'm not saying I've mastered it already or anything; I'm just saying that when I do, all of you principle horn players out there better look out. I'll be coming for your jobs.
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