We look at each other for a few moments. The sun has now disappeared, making him appear darker than before. He is becoming formless within the shadows, but is still imposing. The shadows expand, covering everything on the street. His gaze cuts through the darkness. He stares through me, and I can feel his eyes searching. He is expressionless and judgmental; this is the cold, hard stare of logic. But for some reason, there is a feeling of uneasiness. There is a sense of frantic disorder. Suddenly, everything seems out-of-place; nothing is necessarily wrong, but nothing is in its right place either.
He lifts his arm to point at me and commands, "Speak, and tell me what you can offer the World."
I don't say anything. I can sense that he already knows what I have to offer, and I know what he's looking for. He can see my thoughts, he can see talents, and he can see my goals. He already knows what I want and what I can offer, so why does he ask?
"Speak!" he commands, more forcefully this time. "Tell me what you can offer the World."
The look in his eyes suggests that he knows more at this point than I do. He can see something in me that I don't yet. But should I trust him? I glance past him and see that all the people that had passed before me are now merging with him, like they are slowly being sucked in to him. He is absorbing their bodies- and their judgments, steadily growing larger, turning darker. His imposing body is now all I can see- all I can feel. His mass surrounds me, pressuring me- suffocating me. I look deep into him, as he is doing to me, and am met with the faces of a thousand people, all of whom have been trapped inside this man as well.
Struggling to breathe, I manage to choke out, "I just want to be useful to the World! That's all I want! I just want to please it!"
The man eases off me a little bit. "That is not good enough. Offer more."
"What? What do you mean? I can be very useful, and you know that." I am confused about what the man wants from me. What more can I offer the World?
"You must be more to exist in this World. Offer more." His stare is fixed on me. He still has no expression, and his tone suggests that, in his mind, everything he is saying is a matter of fact.
"I know you can see the good will within me. You can see the determination I have. All of these things you know I have in me, but it's still not enough?"
He still doesn't move. "That is not good enough. Offer more."
"What if I can't offer more? I have offered everything I have to be in this World."
"Then you are not good enough. I deem you inadequate."
How can this be? I think. I can offer so much to the World. Sure it was different from what others can, but it's reasonable to think that what I can give can still be useful.
And that's when I can finally see it. This man is completely logical in his own mind. But his logic is entirely different than mine. It explains how he can look like he knows so much, but be so confused. It explains why he looks baffled and misplaced. It explains why his eyes are so piercing, but lost. It's because he is using misplaced logic. The only way I could ever understand him is to look at things through his mind. But I can't. I can't see how he thinks through things and how he makes his decisions. All that I know is that what he decides is final. He is the ultimate judge; no one escapes his gavel. As long as we are around others, he is there, looking through them and condemning.
He speaks to me again.
"Although I have deemed you inadequate, I will give you the choice to stay or go. The decision is up to you: do you want the World, or do you want to leave it all?"
I look around me. The place I had once looked at so lovingly had turned colorless. The man's presence haunted every corner of the World that I knew. How can I stay with this World when all my efforts to be useful to it are shrugged off and ignored? I know that everywhere I go after this, he will be watching me, and that the entire time he will be thinking that I am not good enough or that I can't offer enough. He wants more, and I don't think I can give any more. I would be living my life as someone who was unaccepted and inadequate.
I turn back to the man. Our eyes meet and we instantly understand the decisions that we have made. I know now what the man saw in me that I couldn't see earlier.
Misplaced logic leads to misplaced judges, and misplaced judges make misplaced judgments. Maybe I am the one who is misplaced.
The man, now towering over me, raises the gavel over his head. I watch him look into me one last time, almost sadly. We both knew this was coming, though. This World can't have me and this man; one of us had to go.
As he swings the gavel down over me, everything goes silent. Just before he crushes me, I feel peace. It's an almost happy feeling knowing that I won't ever have to deal with this man again. Relief spreads across my body as the pressure of the man's presence disappears. I feel free. I can see light again.
Then the gavel crushes me, and everything vanishes.
"Speak!" he commands, more forcefully this time. "Tell me what you can offer the World."
The look in his eyes suggests that he knows more at this point than I do. He can see something in me that I don't yet. But should I trust him? I glance past him and see that all the people that had passed before me are now merging with him, like they are slowly being sucked in to him. He is absorbing their bodies- and their judgments, steadily growing larger, turning darker. His imposing body is now all I can see- all I can feel. His mass surrounds me, pressuring me- suffocating me. I look deep into him, as he is doing to me, and am met with the faces of a thousand people, all of whom have been trapped inside this man as well.
Struggling to breathe, I manage to choke out, "I just want to be useful to the World! That's all I want! I just want to please it!"
The man eases off me a little bit. "That is not good enough. Offer more."
"What? What do you mean? I can be very useful, and you know that." I am confused about what the man wants from me. What more can I offer the World?
"You must be more to exist in this World. Offer more." His stare is fixed on me. He still has no expression, and his tone suggests that, in his mind, everything he is saying is a matter of fact.
"I know you can see the good will within me. You can see the determination I have. All of these things you know I have in me, but it's still not enough?"
He still doesn't move. "That is not good enough. Offer more."
"What if I can't offer more? I have offered everything I have to be in this World."
"Then you are not good enough. I deem you inadequate."
How can this be? I think. I can offer so much to the World. Sure it was different from what others can, but it's reasonable to think that what I can give can still be useful.
And that's when I can finally see it. This man is completely logical in his own mind. But his logic is entirely different than mine. It explains how he can look like he knows so much, but be so confused. It explains why he looks baffled and misplaced. It explains why his eyes are so piercing, but lost. It's because he is using misplaced logic. The only way I could ever understand him is to look at things through his mind. But I can't. I can't see how he thinks through things and how he makes his decisions. All that I know is that what he decides is final. He is the ultimate judge; no one escapes his gavel. As long as we are around others, he is there, looking through them and condemning.
He speaks to me again.
"Although I have deemed you inadequate, I will give you the choice to stay or go. The decision is up to you: do you want the World, or do you want to leave it all?"
I look around me. The place I had once looked at so lovingly had turned colorless. The man's presence haunted every corner of the World that I knew. How can I stay with this World when all my efforts to be useful to it are shrugged off and ignored? I know that everywhere I go after this, he will be watching me, and that the entire time he will be thinking that I am not good enough or that I can't offer enough. He wants more, and I don't think I can give any more. I would be living my life as someone who was unaccepted and inadequate.
I turn back to the man. Our eyes meet and we instantly understand the decisions that we have made. I know now what the man saw in me that I couldn't see earlier.
Misplaced logic leads to misplaced judges, and misplaced judges make misplaced judgments. Maybe I am the one who is misplaced.
The man, now towering over me, raises the gavel over his head. I watch him look into me one last time, almost sadly. We both knew this was coming, though. This World can't have me and this man; one of us had to go.
As he swings the gavel down over me, everything goes silent. Just before he crushes me, I feel peace. It's an almost happy feeling knowing that I won't ever have to deal with this man again. Relief spreads across my body as the pressure of the man's presence disappears. I feel free. I can see light again.
Then the gavel crushes me, and everything vanishes.
No comments:
Post a Comment