Crash Test Dummy

Drive. Go fast.

There's something in my head telling me to go fast; I do.

Faster!

"Faster," it says; I go faster.

C'mon, just a little bit more!

It wants more speed; I hesitate, but I push faster.

Faster, Faster! Go!

There's something in me telling me to go way too fast; I begin to move faster.

Then I panic. I see something ahead in front of me, looming in the distance. I am approaching it too fast to think, so I slam on my brakes and the car skids to a halt. I open my eyes and see that I was just a few inches away from hitting a wall. I take a couple breaths, calming myself before I turn around to drive away.

Time passes, and I avoid my car- I want to figure out what happened before I get back in. But time keeps passing, and a car is very convenient. Besides, the urge has subsided. So I get back in.

I drive for a little bit without any problem. Then, something tells me to drive a little faster- and I do. I can't help but to submit to whatever is inside of me, commanding me to speed faster and faster. The scene outside of my windows has become a blur. My foot presses harder on the gas. I begin to see the wall in front of me again, peeking over the horizon. This time, however, I resist the urge to slam on my brakes. I feel a rush of exhilaration as I let go. The wall grows ever larger as I close in on it.

Then I panic. I see something in front of me, rushing towards me. I am approaching it too fast to think, so I yank the wheel and the car swerves past the wall. I open my eyes and see the wall in the rear-view mirror; I must have missed it by inches. I slow to a stop and take a couple of breaths, calming myself before I drive away.

What was that rush of exhilaration? Why am I so insistent on speeding towards the wall? Why am I acting so reckless, even though I know that it will only hurt me in the end?

The excitement was from doing something new- something I had never done before. My whole life to this point had been about self-preservation: put my well-being over danger. Safety over irresponsibility. No regrets.

 But there is a certain excitement in letting go.

I get back in my car.

Now, I am driving faster than ever before. I hear calls of "Faster! Go! Faster!" echoing through my head. I can no longer look any direction but forward; everything else is just blurs. I step harder on the gas until it can't go down any farther. "Faster!" The wall has appeared over the horizon; I move my foot away from the brake. Tunnel vision is setting in, and I can only see the wall. I am rushing toward it- I see it growing larger. "Go, Go! Just a little bit faster!" There is so much excitement rushing through me. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins. I think about how dumb this is and how this will hurt, but it is too late for that now. "Keep going!" I let go of the steering wheel. I am inches away from the wall. I regret nothing.

And I don't panic. At this point, driving myself towards the wall isn't so much an urge as it is instinct. My actions have become careless, reckless. I know what is in front of me, but how can I know for sure what will happen if I keep going forward unless I do it? I know this is stupid, but I am dumb. I am tired of choosing to avoid the wall. I want to know what happens next.

Because there is a difference between not having any regrets and regretting nothing, yet I want neither; I want my irresponsible, careless behavior to end in ruins. I want the regret.



After all, a Crash Test Dummy can only stay wreckless for so long.