Pain and Struggle

I try to keep a straight face as I walk through campus. No one can know the pain that I am suffering on the inside. Sure, I might seem fine on the outside- even talking and laughing with people- but beneath the surface lies nothing but difficulty, discomfort.

Distant-.. everything  seems    so        ...distant.


Everything has slowed down, not in time, but in pace. I seem to crawl through life as it drags along behind me. Stagnation sets in as I slowly lose the desire to even move.


 The farther I go, the further it seems; the farther I go, the further my body screams.


Inner conflict rages. My emotions want to keep going forward, but my mind and body might not be able to go on. The battle continues, silently, almost unnoticeably from the outside, but you can see it in my eyes- the windows to my soul. Look into them and I cannot hide anything. Look into my eyes and see the pain I have felt, the struggle I am going through; look into my soul and tell me you understand.


You won't.

You can't.


I want to reach out; I want someone to understand. But how can they?

How can they know the pain of every step I take?
How can they understand what it's like to barely be able to get out of bed in the morning?
How can they see the grimace, the tears, or the true me under the mask I display?

How can they?


How?


This is something I've done to myself, and I must deal with it-.. by myself. I will not burden others with my suffering. This is not the first time I've put myself through this, but I can make it the last. I am willing to work to make this better. It just takes change, but it needs time. When I heal, I will be stronger. I will be tougher. I was weak before, but now I am a changed man. I will no longer have to hide my true feelings; no longer will I feel this pain.



No longer will I do six sets of deep-squats during my leg workout because my legs are so damn sore right now.