The New, Uncontroversial Pledge of Allegiance

I may or may not pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
And maybe or maybe not to the republic/dictatorship/democracy/facist state (choose whichever you feel like) for which it stands,
One nation, between 24.52^o N latitude to 49.38^o N latitude and approximately 66.95^o W longitude to 124.77^o W longitude, which is mostly above Mexico and under Canada- except for Alaska- and behind China,*
Indivisible, except for those times when states seceded or threatened to
With liberty** and justice** for all (**depending on your definition of these terms and your views on how the U.S handled certain events, you can leave this part out, or insert a different phrase for "all," like "for old, white men")

The government should start phasing out the old Pledge and replacing it with this new one immediately, although it might take a couple years to teach to the young kids and even longer for them to understand what they're actually saying. It'll also take precious minutes-and-a-halfs away from classtime, which is the biggest case against it already being said in schools.

Alternatively, you can try the Mad-Libs version:

(Person in room) pledges allegiance to the flag of the United (Plural Noun) of (Place)
And to the (Adjective) (Noun) for which it stands
(Number) (Adverb) (Verb) Nation(s)
Under (Noun)
With (Noun) and Justice for (Demographic)

*If you belong to the Flat Earth Society and truly believe that the Earth is not a sphere, and therefore the U.S cannot be behind China, you can omit this part or edit it on your own. Just know that your classmates will make fun of you.